New Highs, New Lows, New (Old) Endos

Where do I begin with this post? This is reason #1 why I shouldn't wait so long to post.

After my celebratory, commemorative 20-year post, I went into my CDE appointment feeling pretty good. I was not expecting to be at 7.0 (my original goal), but I was excited to see some movement down from my disappointing 8.9 three months prior. I have been working so hard on the diet and exercise, really trying to fine tune the blood sugars with the exercise, etc. I had also made an adjustment to my breakfast bolus per their suggestion that finally seemed to be working for my 2-hour post-prandial. When the magic A1C machine beeped, I snuck a peek: 8.9.

No change. None. I can feel your disappointment through the interwebs. Is my lack of aggression to blame? Certainly. I really need to be turning the sensor data into an action item WEEKLY. But there are many, many factors at play here, which is why this disease is so individual, and needs to be treated as such by healthcare professionals. When it is not, my frustration level reaches new, uncharted heights. My hunch is that because most days I am deliberately going high for a couple of hours in order to exercise without bottoming out, it is skewing my average. Once again, I can't have my cake and eat it too. Another example of this conundrum is when I was preparing for my pregnancies, running on the low end so often that I was constantly eating. But I didn't care because I was getting that A1C in that "safe for pregnancy" range. I was not entirely healthy. I packed on about 10 extra pounds getting that A1C where it needed to be. Where's the balance??

So, I went old school and cried at my appointment. A lot. Out of sheer frustration. And anger. What I was most angry about was that this stupid number was detracting from everything I HAVE accomplished. Little was mentioned about the 30+ lbs I have lost, or that I am doing it the right (hard) way. It just became about Mr. 8.9. Yes, he's male.

Her suggestions really put me over the edge though. After reading the wrong printouts for 15 minutes, her 1st suggestion was to cut back on the breakfast bolus. The one that was going RIGHT. It looked like I was running too low to her. Ok, cut BACK on the insulin when someone has an 8.9 A1C. Second suggestion was to take 1/2 of my lunch bolus instead of none as I had been doing in order to be in a high enough range to exercise for a good hour without dropping. Again, suggesting a change to something that was going right. I know how my body responds to exercise. I would bottom out if I had IOB like that.

One major source of frustration for me in general is that even with all of the printouts, there are major gaps in the anecdotal data. What time did I exercise that day? For how long? Not evident at all, and never easy for me to recall what I did last Tuesday off the top of my head. So short of hand-recording every move I make, circa 1992, what's a diabetic to do?

Well, this diabetic refused to make any changes, and certainly not the ones she was suggesting. I just left the appointment. I had to just leave. I do have a plan, though. After meeting with my general practitioner, and voicing my concerns, I am getting referred back to my old endo's office. The whole reason I left was that I didn't like the endo, but loved the CDE, and needed a clean slate. Now they have a new endo, and getting to those appointments is a cakewalk compared to the trek I am making now, and the guilt I am made to feel over being 5 min late is just not worth it.

Soooo...as to not let any of this diminish my hard work, I am continuing to lose, and hit my new low this morning. 137.3! Consulting my old endo records (always a treat), I have not seen these numbers since 1994. I was sixteen! What is different at 33 is that I appreciate my body more, and am really focusing on strengthening it, not just "working out." I'm going to brag a little here. Steve got me a gift card to the LOFT for Christmas, but I was hesitant to use it until I got to "goal." Well, I feel close, and they were having 40% the entire store today, so I couldn't pass it up. I went from a 12-14 to a size 6, and from an XL to a size S. S-M-A-L-L. I have literally not tried clothes on since last summer. I cannot believe the difference.

For anyone keeping score, Steve and I have lost 100 lbs between us. Amazing. I don't know that I could have maintained my commitment without him by my side. But we are committed to this, and to each other, and being healthy for our kids.