Diagnosis code 250.03: Type 1 Uncontrolled
This is how doctors have assessed me for the majority of the nearly 20 years living with this illness. I have also heard "non-compliant." It's ironic really, because all I want is some sense of control over this disease, but my desire for it was not enough to escape the dreaded "uncontrolled" diagnosis. As if this says anything about my motivation, my desire, my hopes of being in the "controlled" group. Or the obstacles that get in the way of reaching my goals. "Non-compliant" implies that I am digging my heels in, crossing my arms, pursing my lips, and saying, "No! I will not do what you are telling me to do," when in fact I found myself weeping in these doctors' offices--dejected, frustrated, scared.
I'm not sure what my new endo put in for the diagnosis code today, and I don't care. I showed up at that office today, staring my A1C in the face, armed with my questions, and willing to accept the support and help she offered. I am "taking care of myself," despite what my numbers may say to a doctor. After my visit today, I felt like a human being, not a set of numbers. My new endo asked me a series of questions about my life before she even started talking diabetes. She took a practical approach to the game plan she set up with me, and did not try to box me into a set of "recommended" ranges that are unrealistic for me at this point and in my circumstances. She even started the diabetes conversation with, "Where do YOU want your numbers to be?" What a change.
She addressed all of my questions/concerns, and her answers were direct, realistic, and logical. I think I will address her answers to my concerns in a separate post, as she had some interesting responses. She suggested working on one section of the day at a time, starting with my overnight basals, to try to focus on getting my numbers down for that part of the day before moving on to the next and the next. Totally do-able. Not overwhelming. Thanks to my awesome husband, I have my pump/sensor software hooked back up so that I can easily run reports and fax them in to her office to make adjustments/changes in between visits. Have I said how amazing and supportive he is? He is.
It is incredibly hard for me to stop thinking of myself as a "bad diabetic" when my numbers are not ideal or even more so, astronomically high. For some reason, with those numbers, my brain automatically connects it to what I must not be doing, what I must be missing, what I must be doing wrong, when that is just not the case. And as long as I DO something about it, I am taking care of myself.
I have to say, this blog has opened up a dialog I didn't even know I could have. It has spurned unexpected, meaningful conversations and shown me the kind of support that is out there and available as soon as I cry "Uncle." I am so grateful for the supportive comments, the questions that challenge my thinking, and the love. Oh, the love.
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